The Heartbreak Foundation: October 2009

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Dying Inside, Dead Today

Changing you inside me seems impossible

Yet you’re asking me to do so

I’ve only been running one way for years

Now my nightmares are more then just fears

You seem fine

You seem OK

I am dying inside

I am dead today

Its obvious things won’t be the same

But I’m willing to do what it takes

I’ve been so stuck on my forever

Haven’t even considered it could be never

You seem fine

You seem OK

I am dying inside

I am dead today

Friday, October 30, 2009

Clean

Can you clean all the dirt inside my fingernails?

Can you clean all the dirt inside my filthy mind?

Can you clean all the dirt inside my fingernails?

Can you show me you favorite place to hide?

Then go outside a take a walk.

Can you show me you favorite place to hide?

Can you sing your favorite song out loud?

And I’ll plug my ears so I can’t hear

When you sing your favorite song out loud.

Can you clean all the dirt inside my fingernails?

Act Right

Black night

Black night gets me though

Act right

Act right like I do

I know

I know you want to

And I’ll try

Try hard to stay true

I know I can

Get more of what I want

Stand up

Stand up and shout

At all

All the people running around

Running fast

Running fast into the ground

For a few

That stand higher then the crowd

I know I can

Change more if I want

Bright skies

Bright skies don’t lie ahead

The world

The world is fast towards an end

She’s just

She’s just waiting to send

Everyone

And everything to its death

I know I can

Get out while there’s time

So speak loud

Speak loud what you know

Teach truth

Teach truth and grow

I wish

I wish we could all show

That what’s happening today

Isn’t what we’re all here for

I know I can

Try hard to love more

I know we can

Try hard to love more

A Mess These Days

I don’t have anything to say to you

You left me out in the rain

I don’t have anything to give to you

You took everything I ever had

You took everything I had

I don’t have anything to offer you

I’m such a mess these days

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Searching

I lay my bones on the ground

So I can sift through every one

Looking for the perfect shape and size

A bone of mine that’s just right

Just right

I lay my head in my hands

I’m just searching for a new thought

A new thought that I haven’t thought yet

And when I get it I will regret every thought that I had before

Yeah before

I lay myself down to sleep

I make my bed so nice and neat

And I just imagine what I can dream

Then I close my eyes and see nothing

nothing

Back again, and again, and again I'm back. Well not me but the creativity I lack. Remember. Anyway, its almost September. I'm almost done. I’ll turn Twenty one. Day your supposed to have fun. Supposed to but won’t do. . I told you, that I'm almost done. Don’t want none other then to be with someone. Visit from a friend today. He popped in. He had with him something I gave him. Myself. Cause lately its been all mine. Haven’t spent the energy or time getting close to someone outside my own mind. But I'm trying. While I'm dying. Like everyone else living at this very second. Old or young, they just won’t make it. The doctors prognosis is you’ve got the rest of your life. Be it an hour or five. Or five times nine years. No telling when your loved ones will shed their selfish tears. Having to face the fact that your death is simply just a reminder of their own mortality. So they weep, drop to their knees, “Thank God he went before me.” Ok, so maybe not in so many words. But the general feeling is always concern for who’s life is next to turn. End up in an urn. Or under the earth. And for what it’s worth, at least you got to leave. I'm still here. Everyday, wake up and I'm here. Every night writing about being here. Death is not something I fear. It’s very clear to me that’s just naturally a part of history, either to be taken seriously or viewed half heartedly. It will always be. Always be. Always before. Always believe. Always beneath. Always seeming to disagree with my life. Like a knife cutting stones. Can you trust someone with an obsession for ass and bones? Like two tones. Dark and darker. And I don’t know which ones darker, ass or bones. Either way, tired of feeling alone as my thoughts clutter my brain like an uninhibited drone. So I’ll do what I do every time I want to feel more simple. Think about some ass then go draw some bones.

Honesty III

Honesty Part III

Ok, really, what’s the deal? Half the ideas in half my brain aren’t worth it to feel. Like this. And that. And that when it’s this doing that to this. A big miss. And a big mess. Like a big guess that didn’t help you pass the big test. Hits right to the chest. Then what’s next? Like nothing impacts enough. Oh, yeah,… me, sooo tough. Enough! Tough enough to get by maybe. But inside parts will always be like a little baby. Like, “Save me!” Like, “Change me!”. Like, “Just please don’t hate me!” It’s crazy to think it’s been almost twenty one years and it’s still relevant. Has changed a bit but not the core of it. And there will only be more of it. Like I'm making a chore of it. A daily ritual to be vulnerable and innocent. But it will never get done. Get me done. Get me over. Spill me over. Wash away my spill. Don’t be ill. It’s just my everything everywhere for everyone everyday to see and feel. And I know it must seem so miniscule. But I’m just trying to be a little different then the next everyday tool. You know? A fool. Don’t want to be. Am not. And don’t mistake it. And so I’ll try not to change it. As long as you can promise to save it if I start to misplace it. Myself is what I mean, incase you can’t follow. Please, ask me to slow down if that’s too hard to swallow. I’d like to barrow your eyes for a while if I could. If you would? You see, I can't see to good. You see? No, not me, I said I can’t see. See? Give them to me. I’d like to see me. With you. Something true. Undeniable. Can't be contradicted. Cause I saw me with your eyes and you couldn’t defend it. Pretend that you see someone you like, or at least try to not dislike. Try to not run at the site of someone whom you might actually in fact despise. Nice try. I saw you slip on some contacts. Trying to cover up your inner conflict about your life and what I should really have to do with it. But just wait a minute. Wake up! Sit up! Distracted from the screeches of the train, I finally realize the left was talking to the right side of my brain. So I guess I should refrain from any more deep thought that I haven’t bought somewhere in a book. These original thoughts, they’ll make you crazy. Talking to myself like I'm interacting with another side of me. I should just quit it all and start up with pottery. Making plates and bowls and ashtrays to sell off the street everyday. Something respectable. Something comfortable. Or just something I can sell my soul for. I wonder how much my soul could go for on the black market? Hopefully quite a bit. But then I’ll turn around and see it patented and sold at Target. Like some trendy piece of shit. “Come get my soul! It’ll look great in your apartment!” Just charge it, bag it, hand it down to your children. Your new family heirloom that I used to inhabit. Grab it. Before you’re the last on your block to have it. What a fit. Fit this in. In your head. I'm useless? You spend hours at night not doing anything in bed. Lazy fuck.

The Living Earth

The living earth is turning towards

Everything it has in store

But I just sit here thinking of

The way you look when your waking up

Important things are taking place

And all I can see is your face

If you just look at me one more time

I promise I could make you smile

Cause the sun and the moon and stars in the sky

They can’t come close to the look in your eye

When you smile at me and we want to hide

I can’t help but melt inside

The living earth is rolling along

And I’m just trying to hold on

Keep me stable and keep me still

You always were so damn helpful

While big men make big choices

I just want to feel your closeness

If we could just make the time

I promise I’d make it worth your while

Cause the sun and the moon and stars in the sky

They can’t come close to the look in your eye

When you smile at me and we want to hide

I can’t help but melt inside

If the living earth comes crashing down

You’re the only one I’d want around

We could make it ourselves if we tried

You with your love and me with my pride

The news reports don’t scare me none

Cause I’ll be with you until I’m done

If you could just speak to me

I promise it would make me sing

Cause the sun and the moon and stars in the sky

They can’t come close to the look in your eye

When you smile at me and we want to hide

I can’t help but melt inside

Wutchuneed

Please come over here

Let me tell you

I can give you wutchuneed

I’m telling you the truth

I’m looking at you

I can give you wutchuneed

I’ve been watching you a while

You make me go wild

I can give you wutchuneed

You know your pretty sweet

Don’t make me say please

I can give you wutchuneed

I’m not a tool

I know you’re no fool

I can give you wutchuneed

Don’t run away

Come over here and stay

I can give you wutchuneed

Don’t you wanna come

Come and see me

I can give you wutchuneed

I wanna be friends

Not enemies

I can give you wutchuneed

Carry It All

Your light went out that night

I’ve been dieing inside

My hope is all gone

But the pain is going strong

I still see that picture running through my head

I just wont be free in this world until I’m dead.

You could have changed it all, dropped the weight, made the call

But you chose to take the fall, make me stay, and carry it all.

Your light went out that night

And since, I just haven’t been right

Each day I’m stuck with time

And the thought of you on my mind

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Blues Made Me Do It

I created your world from air

But the blues made me do it

I wouldn’t have even dared

But the blues made me do it

I never wanted to show I cared

But the blues made me do it

Never thought this job was fair

But the blues made me do it

I’ve hated almost everyone

But the blues made me do it.

Killed my only begotten son

But the blues made me do it.

Rained fire and brimstone

But the blues made me do it

Made dust of human bone

But the blues made me do it

I’ve repented for my sins

But the blues made me do it

Took the knocks on my chin

But the blues made me do it

Spent years against the wind

And the blues made me do it

Never like where I’m sittin’

But the blues made me do it

Honesty II

Honesty Part II

Eyes are drowsy. 1:35 a.m. Tired? I am. Got Dylan on my mind. Words shooting through my brain and I can't keep up. Can't make sense of. Can't and wont try to rise above. Figuring out one thing at a time. Like the world is blind and I'm the first to see. Seeing blind people walking into things I've only this once seen. Like a dream. Running with no where to go. Falling and never hitting the floor. Opening door after door leading to only more. Nightmare. Dreamscape. Can't escape. Like tempting fate. No dice. Never gunna win. Cause your fate is always eventually going to be death. That’s never going to end. Dylan asked “How many deaths will it take till we know that to many people are dieing?” Cause to many mothers are crying, cause to many sons are fighting for to many idiots we invited into to many positions of power. Now they tower over us with their fingers at point. Till we can put our two cents in on who we should anoint. On who should run the show. Be the man. Lead the team. Organize the troops. And quite literally, though I wish it were figuratively. But when it comes to man, it’s hard to find quality. Twenty minutes later and I'm still thinking about society. Acting like I'm trying to be one of those few with quality. Disturbed as the next. Fucked up as the rest. Far from the best. But who isn’t? Better yet, who is? Lets meet. So I can steal from you like everyone else. That’s what we do. If your any better then good luck to you. Your gunna need it. Cause people will have a greed fit. Talking about how they do or do not need it. Like everyone’s lives are so reliant on everyone else’s. If you fuck with mine you’re gunna get it! If you got something I want I'm gunna get it! Just get dead. That’s what some people need. Get dead and don’t come back. As if there was another option then that. Unless you follow Buddha and come back as a cat or a plant. Or as one more unnecessary life that is wasted like the rest.

Honesty I

Honesty Part 1

Here all alone. The only sound is cricket drone. Want to moan. Different tones of color, not there. I just see black. Black ripped sheets over an empty bed. Felt dead. Then lived. But now dead again and again. Black ink on white paper. Give me another. Black shirt on white skin. Is there another? Haven’t seen my brother. Haven’t wanted to. Haven’t had a brother in years. A mother? None other then the one I haven’t seen neither. Haven’t had a teacher. Haven’t been taught much but still manage. Learn by myself, still manage. Make my own mistakes, still manage. Raise and lower the stakes and still manage. Want to shake hands with the Dali Lama. Happiness is the meaning of life. Happiness ends when your dead. And so it’s been said make the most. Make the moist. Make the moisture. Make the mixture. Make the mix. Mix up words. Make new. New life? Been there done that, ended it before it started. Can’t be ready if you yourself are not living. Not dead, but just not living. The same thing every evening. Cliché to ask the meaning. So I write instead of singing. Instead of being. Instead of creating something being anything wanting everything happening. It’s simple really. He was sitting on a park bench, you wouldn’t know it from the drawing. He was often a happy man, although you wouldn’t know it from his singing. He was sometimes a beautiful man, though you wouldn’t know it from his ending. No kidding. But just incase, here is my broken clock. It’s broken so much my heart stopped. No longer beats with its metronome. Now it just floats alone in my rib cage stuck. Fuck! Fuck my luck. If you’d believe in such a thing. Again and again. It changes but will still always be the same. Same as yesterday. And the day before that. And today as well as the next day. I lay on my side cause my foolish pride keeps me off my back. Want to hide cause my selfish mind doesn’t want to come back. Try to be clever cause I can't face the fact that I’m really saying nothing cause of the creativity I lack. And if you saw me now, oh, the things you’d say. Say and say and say and if religious, pray. And if merciful, stay. And if caring, convey, that I need not worry about what they might say to whom Gods they pray for my sanity to stay. And so I try as trains pass by my window each night, begging for a derailment. Trying to express some kind of sentiment. Over thinking as if these words weren’t mine, but counterfeit. It’s magnificent. Disastrous. Malevolent. Miraculous. Ok, so not really. Just more misplaced words. But it’s the thought that counts right? Telling myself “fill a page, fill a page” God damn you asshole, fill one page! The whole worlds a stage? Then who’s behind the scenes? Oh yeah, that’s right, the eye in the sky is pulling the strings. Pulling my chain. So my water drains. The chain broke so now I'm just running. And I will be till someone pops my lid and plugs me up. From then on I’d rather piss in a cup. I'm getting stuck. A little time to go. I've probably had enough but I still got people on my mind. One in particular. Kind of spectacular. You want what you can't have and I haven’t had enough of her. Don’t want to be here anymore. About to bust out a window and walk out the door. A veritable rainbow in the day but just black at night. Is that why staying up so late feels right?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

In A Shell (Back Seat Girl)

It’s written on the window

You promised not to erase

Everything I meant to say

Then I touched your face

Cold air outside

Each breath, taking away

Fogging up the inside

Each kiss, the right way

We were in a shell

Protected from the world

Sometimes lovers melt

You were my backseat girl

Darkness all around

You brightened up the night

Music was the only sound

Everything felt right

It read ‘I love you’

But it felt like more

I promise to hold true

This love is not a chore

We were in a shell

Protected from the world

Sometimes lovers melt

You were my backseat girl

We’re not in a shell

Exposed to the world

And sometimes it feels like hell

But you’re still my backseat girl.

Bought And Sold

I’ve seen your name on the neon signs by the way side.

And the devil’s been walking around my neighborhood at night.

It’s a scary thing to think that they could go hand in hand.

Selling your soul for everything just seems quite grand.

But I guess I wouldn’t expect anything less from a well dressed man.

I gave you a dollar and you turned it into liquid gold.

Turned my body inside out, made me your mold.

Now I’m bought and sold by you, at your every whim.

And the devil’s not worried about everyone else, everyone winning.

I guess you’re a match made in heaven, or just in sin.

And it’s happened once before, and my god it’ll happen again.

I guess I wouldn't expect anything less from a well dressed man.

All I Can Do Is Think About You

All I can do is think about you.

I try to think about something new.

Please don’t you leave me blue.

And I promise I wont leave you.

Don’t you listen to what other people say.

I know we can make it if we try.

Please don’t let me spend another day alone.

Let me love you tonight.

I’ll try and make you see what you do to me.

I would give you anything.

All I need is you and me.

Oh, darling that’s so plain to see.

Don’t you listen to what other people say.

I know we can make it if we try.

Please don’t let me spend another day alone.

Let me love you tonight.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Pass It On, Pass It By

Its four a.m. and I am anything but asleep.

No matter how tight I hold the sheet.

And I’ve needed someone to relieve me.

People say the worst things when you don’t believe.

And the same people do the worst things.

Well, Godspeed.

I’ve never quite had the right plan.

As if it was wrong just to want to be a man.

Will someone relieve me if they can?

You people just seem to expand

And multiply with a bigger demand.

Well, Goddamn.

Some thing has got me wanting more than what I’ve seen.

Some day someone will say that life is going to be ok.

Just pass it on. Pass it by.

I can almost feel this world about to fall.

We really dropped the fucking ball.

Its like we’re babies trying not to crawl.

How can my kids ever stand up tall?

We’ve broken all their lives but pretend we never saw.

Well, God help us all.

Live Down Your Expectations

Live Down Your Expectations

No one told me what to expect.

I’ve always lived up to less.

I will get undressed.

What you’ll see is only my mess.

Live down your expectations.

Realize your limitations.

Live down your expectations.

And question your creation.

She knew well, I wasn’t much.

I knew she made a terrible crutch.

The bad times well they were such.

But what I feel isn’t crushed.

Live down your expectations.

Your no big sensation.

Live down your expectations

Get used to humiliation.

It’s like nothing helps but the night.

Feeling safe when I turn out the light.

And I wish, I wish it was right.

But I’m wrong most of the time.

No one wants someone that knows to much these days.

(Count On No One) No More Anyway

She’s got drugs in her system.

So you can’t blame her for mistreating him.

Or so that’s what everyone agrees on.

But he wasn’t playing their game.

No more anyway.

He said it wasn’t the only reason.

Everyone said it was just like treason.

How could he leave her in such a state?

But they weren’t there everyday.

No more anyway.

Now with bitter friends and no one at home.

He knows exactly what he’s done.

He just wishes he could see her.

As they once where.

No more anyway.

No more anyway

Count on no one no more anyway

Dance Today

I seen you dancing all your troubles away

But it don’t pay

They come another day

I’ve always got some bad news to say

But you don’t play

You never go astray

And I guess its not the way you smile

That gets me in the mood

It’s the way you always know what to do

And I’ll pretend that I’m with you

But I’m far behind

Maybe you could just stay with me this time

You seem to glow so bright in the sunshine

You couldn’t be mine

It just doesn’t seem right

I’m holding to the thought of your face

But it feels like a maze

And I’m stuck in one place

I know it’s not the things you say

That keep us on track

But the things you say always pull me back

I think I get the reason for you

Now it’s all to clear

You might just be the reason why I’m here

I’ll go now and we can be together like you planned to be

And I wont fuss or fight with you like you expect me to

And we can live in happiness even though I’m not to good at it

Just bare with me, I’m trying to and you could keep on dancing too

A Lot Of Money

You can say I got everything

You can say the worlds on my wings

You can say I know how to sing

You can say I smell like spring

But I don’t have a lot of money

You can say I do things right

You can say I give you light

You can say I sit upright

You can say my futures bright

But I don’t have a lot of money

You could say you look up to me

You could say I helped you to see

You could say I set you free

From feeling like nobody

But I don’t have a lot of money

I can say I don’t need more

I can say just what for

I can say I'm not that poor

I can say its all a bore

But I don’t have a lot of money

Why must I have a lot of money

Another Love Song

We watch the clock countdown to zero

Countdown to the end of the year

Maybe then I’ll feel a little different

Maybe then we’ll all disappear

So I try to tell you all the things that I’m thinking

But all I hear is the radio playing

Then I look at your face and see your

Lips match up with the words that they’re singing

Cause it’s another love song

And it’s playing for you

It’s another love song

And it couldn’t be more true

When we’re together its like the world just

Seems to stop on a dime

Don’t know if I’m awake or dreaming

Like I got no hold on time,

But like life everything has to end

That’s why I’m sitting here trying to pretend

That you’re not so far away from me

That you still love me and I can hear you sing

Cause it’s another love song

And it’s playing for you

It’s another love song

And it couldn’t be more true

As I lay here all alone in the dark

I think about how we fell apart

And I remember how you sang that night

Its like the words where yours and mine

Cause its another love song

And its playing for you

Its another love song

And it couldn’t be more true.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

24 Lines And A Bridge

Talking to gravity,

Asking him to set me free.

Wanting to meet love,

Want to hold her in my arms.

I dream of a better place,

One where I can be with you.

Trying to replace,

Old memories with the new.

Time is a silly thing.

I just cannot understand.

What is its purpose.

Why does it always win.

I listen to Blonde On Blonde,

Trying to get a clue.

Baby, I want you.

Please tell me you want me too.

I got a new pair of shoes.

Would you like to walk in them?

Then you can feel for a day,

Just how I’ve always been.

It’s funny how everything,

Always seems to change.

I’m running as fast as I can,

Trying to beat the rain.

We Tried, I'm Sure

Went walking on the other side

I can’t imagine how you feel inside

Got mixed up in my foolish pride

You screamed out loud and began to cry

But I think its all going to work itself out

One day.

Got confused with my mind today

Tried to make sense out of senseless ways

You got a certain ebb and sway

Makes a guy like me forget today

And its all on the verge of working out

Some day.

I know you got a plan

But I just want to be your man

Let me know if I can

And I’ll give you everything I have

You can’t make promises

And that’s fine, I understand

Just don’t leave me hanging on

Cause I’d hang till I’m dead and gone

Got a postcard in the mail tonight

I guess our pages weren’t ever right

I said I’d never let you out my sight

I guess you figured that I just might

Some times things just can’t be worked out

Any way

I know you got a plan

But I just want to be your man.

No Name #2

I’d like to count your blemishes.

You could get me off on well wishes.

And I could die and feel bliss.

And you’d laugh.

And I’d smile.

I’d like to touch your insides.

Feel what you felt when you cried.

And you’d have no place to hide.

And you’d fall

In me for a while.

I’d like you to make me a honest man.

But honestly that’s how it’s always been.

And I’ve never been one to just give in.

Our whole nine yards.

House and a child.

Seven Deadly Sins

I’m red, blue and green

I’m hate, envy and jealousy

I’m the laze when you’re lazy

I’m the craze when you’re crazy

It don’t get worse then me

I’ll make your day go from bad to worse

I’m the word when you want to curse

I’m the stain on your favorite shirt

I’m the pain when your body hurts

I’m the ache when you ate too much

And I’m the greed when you want to touch

You better stay away from me.

I put hesitation in your trust

I put frustration in your lust.

I’m the chalkboard that makes you cringe.

I’m the wrath when you want revenge

Ill bring it all to an end.

They all say that I’m no good.

But I just like to do what they all would.

I’m the loss when you want to win.

I’m like déjà vu all over again.

I’m the devil and the seven deadly sins.

Seven deadly sins are gunna get you again